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Rules to live by to Succeed in Life


  • Be really smart. This won’t work if you’re dumb.
  • Have an impeccable record. Don’t rack up DUI’s or anything that would make someone question your background.
  • Be willing to do ANYTHING to get what you want.
  • Keep your mouth shut. Become an expert on something BEFORE you say a single word about it. Listen for future ‘research’ topics and learn about them before you have to address them.
  • Learn what matters. Discard what doesn’t.
  • Be friendly to everyone. ALWAYS. Even if you really loathe them and want to rape him or her with a splintered mop handle.
  • Make it known that you can accomplish things that other people can’t do. Get creative. Toot your horn once in awhile, but not so much that everyone leaves your “fan club”.
  • Drive a really nice car. Something shiny, dark, with four doors. Keep it perpetually spotless inside and out. Never speak about your car.
  • Dress for your next job, even on the first day of your current job. Pay a tailor or get a gay friend to dress you. (Not a woman)
  • Get a resume done by a professional. ie: You want to be a HerpDerp manager? Pay a HerpDerp manager a few hundred bucks to have a cocktail powwow on top of your resume. Pump him for information and resume edits, then pay him like a prostitute: with a big wad of cash. If you’re paying attention to the previous lessons, he’ll actually give it back to you.
  • Accept criticism. In fact, seek it out. If somebody got the gumption to stand up to you, they might have something to teach you. ALWAYS say thank you, but never be submissive. Thank their candor, not any paternal attitudes.
  • Start using the word “we” more. Like, “How can “we” streamline this process?”
  • Increase your vocabulary. Use big words in short sentences.
  • Smile, but don’t have a shit eating grin. More like “The cat that ate the canary.”
  • Have impeccable written English. Even if you have to text someone.
  • Make people uncomfortable, ask hard questions, even if it took you a week to find the question. Don’t ask questions you don’t know the answer to. Pretend it took you 30 seconds solve the problem after your questionee failed to.
  • Get excited about successes, even if you don’t care about them or you don’t benefit from them. People will notice this big time.
  • Get a nice leather notebook with a shiny snap or magnet closure, use it. Write small and with neat penmanship. It doesn’t matter what’s in the book, just that other people will want to see it. Never let the notebook out of sight. Make complicated lists, drawing lines to connect things. Close it if you see anyone glancing at it. Never show it to anyone unless you’re drawing on a blank page.
  • When eating on business, order weird, inexpensive things. “I’ll have a arugula spinach salad, oil and vinegar, with a poached egg.” Never eat anything with your hands. Sit up straight.

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